Since we lost Oscar last yr, I’ve been wanting to put together a scrapbook w/ his pics, ultrasound images, certificates, cards, etc.  It’s been sitting in a pile in the top of Oden’s closet for ages.  Then a cple wks ago I brought it out and piled it on the dining room table.  Well, yesterday I finally sat down and spent 2hrs working on it.  I’m almost done w/ it but have a few things to print out to include, like the memorial blog post and due date poem.  While putting it together I finally worked up the courage to look in his memorial box we brought home from the hospital.  It’s the 1st time I ever looked at it’s contents since losing him over a yr ago.  It was incredibly sad.  It contained his gown, hat, blanket, and wrist ID tag.  It also had his cremation certificate and cremains.  I never saw his cremains.  I started to sob.  I felt and feel so incredibly sad that we lost our little boy.  He could’ve been here w/ us to love and cherish.  But then it made me sad to think that if I hadn’t lost him, then I wouldn’t have Shai here now.  It was a bad feeling all around b/c then I felt guilt for being sad over Oscar’s loss b/c then it somehow lessened my love for Shai?  I know it doesn’t make sense, but it does.  I suppose that Shai’s existence is supposed to help me accept what happened to Oscar and move forward.  Part of me does and part of me doesn’t.  I don’t really want to accept Oscar’s loss, but I have to.  So I can love Shai…